Hysterical Barking

Holy Shit. I have ADFucking-D

2005-05-06T21:21:00.000-05:00

Well it's a well-established fact I am a freak. No surprise there. But, at the urging of my nurse practitioner, I made an appointment back in February to be evaluated by the Internist because it was suspected I may have ADD.

Say what ?

So, today, May 6th, I sit down with the doctor and answer alot of questions. Long story short, I am the ADD poster child and have had this since I was seven or so. It's no surprise that I never was even aware of this, and was diagnosed with everything from Impulse Control Disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder, Depresion, you name it. I have been the way I am for as long as I can remember, so I had nothing to compare it to, as far as my behavior went. I knew I thought differently than other people, and something was just not quite 'right' upstairs.

So now Adderall is my new twice-daily snack. I go see dr in three weeks to see how I'm doing, and improving.

Wish me luck!

Messy But Worth It.

2005-03-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

I made a healthy dessert yesterday out of a Woman's Day mag (thanks, Mom)

It has a name of 'Angel Lush with Pineapple', but I have some names that seem more fitting:

1. Big Fucking Mess in Ten Minutes or Less !
2. Easter Bunny Cum Cake (sorta like Rum Cake)
3. Frankencake
4. Amy's Fugly Cake

Ingredients/Directions:

1 20 oz can of crushed pineapple
1 4 serving package of Jello Instant Vanilla Pudding*
1 cup of Cool Whip *
1 10 oz round Angle Food Cake, pre made/store bought
10 fresh Strawberries

Not included but should have been:
1 serrated bread knife
Rubber gloves
Brillo pad for clean up
Laser level (for those of us who cannot manage a straight line)

Directions:

Clear off the counters, you're gonna need the space.

1. Cut angle food cake (hafuckingha) horizontaly into three levels. Set aside.
2. Empty entire can of pineapple with it's juice into a bowl.
3. Stir in entire package of dry pudding mix.
4. Stir in one cup of Cool Whip
5. Put on elbow-length rubber gloves
6. Take bottom section of cake (careful! It's floppy!) and place on cake plate (now is a good time to run away) and spread one third of mixture onto it evenly.
7. Repeat with the next two layers, stacking back together, spread remaining mixture on top. Garnish with strawberries around the top, if cake is not shaking like a priest at the Boy's JV swim practice.
8. Place the whole mess in the fridge (if you haven't flung it somewhere and you aren't wearing it) for a time out, and step back for an hour. Have a martini or a nap. Wrestling wears you out.

When you are ready to speak to it again, attack it, cause it's YUMMY! Makes ten servings, or, if you are ME, makes five snacks.

* I use fat free/sugar free pudding mix, fat free Cool Whip. There was a sugar free AF cake, but it contained Maltitol, so back it went.

www.makedesserts.com has the nutritonal info should you care that much.

And BRUSH teeth after! My GOD it's sweet n' sticky !!!!

I may take out the profanity and email makedesserts.com and tell them what I think.

Then again, maybe i'll leave it in and send them the therapist's bill.

I Hate the Mall and the Mall Hates Me.

2005-03-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

Who smoked the crack THIS season? What is up with the Pucci/asymetrical/geometric/hideous shades of green and pink in everything?

I went to JCPenney (first mistake of the day) to find a cute dress or a handsome tailored pantsuit to go to a children's benefit/gala on April 1st. Keep in mind I have a gorgeous $200 dress from Jones New York that I could wear. I wanted something SPRINGY! FRESH! SEXY! and that was not happenin' at JCP. Dowdy weird shit? Check. Prom dresses? Check. Career clothes? Check.

So I try on a Juniors dress, very cute, white-satiny-flowery-sleeveless -who-am-I-kidding-put-it-the-hell-back-you-are-almost-32-years-old little number, and move on to a really cool top in the career from hell dept, and try on these funky skirts that are choking the place...and I cannot justify wrapping my hips and ass in this bright screaming shit.

Just ask Furry about my new nickname - Flabby McMoo-Cow.

Second mistake, Old Navy. Just not a good idea for dressy things. Jammies, workout clothes, fine. Gotta have every flip-flop color ever made? Great!

Bon Ton - nope. And developed one of those butt-itches that you need to duck into a dressing room to take care of. I took this as an omen and left. Next, J.Jill. Out of my price range, but I was rather vexed at this point and just lost all composure and looked at everything, everywhere. I even went to SEARS. I tried my hand at Lane Bryant, even though THEIR 14 is no longer an option. Other 14' s are. Just not theirs. When you range from a Jr 13/15 to a womens 14, what choice do you have?
And I walked into the original sluttery, Charlotte Russe. They had some cute shit, but due to it being cut for women with pencil legs, I had to either choose to go bottomless, or seek clothing elsewhere.

So this is what I ended up with, after stopping in Victoria's Secret, FYE Music, and Border's :

IPEX bra, because I shit you not, it's like NOT WEARING A BRA. And you can't tell it's underwire. I wore it out of the store. (I paid for it first.)

A CD from a group I just heard that morning on cable TV radio music channels, ironically called 'The Music' and CD is titled 'Welcome to the North'
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0002OTIC0/qid=1110996566/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-7558897-4395134
Please listen, it will do me good.

At Borders, I bought the Scissor Sisters CD,
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0002IQI8I/qid=1110996643/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-7558897-4395134

Track 7, 'Filthy/Gorgeous' is hysterical. Love it, whole CD is awesome.

I got two books, 'Running with Scissors' (notice a theme here?) and a little humor book, 'Dieter's GT Weight Loss before, During, and After Sex.' I have the original book, and this one is even funnier.

So, I went for a classy outfit, ened up with a space-bra, two fun n funky CD's, and two books.

Not bad for working all night, shopping for eight hours, and coming home to take a shower and listen to Assclown.

MOO.

Do Not Fucking Call List

2005-03-16T10:52:00.000-05:00

I am on it for a reason, people.

Okay, Empereon Marketing Group has been calling me EVERY DAY for over a week. I am on the Do Not Fucking Call My Ass List, but this may be an exempt group.

And when I DO answer, they do not say anything for ten seconds, because this call is computer dialed.

So the other day, I answered and waited.

And I spoke. Nicely at first (I was never NOT nice..it was just the content..)

I asked them WHY it was SO important to call me every day. When they asked me to take a survey, I reponded that I could not....

"Well, ma'am, it will just take a moment."
"I am really sorry, but I have a court order that says I can't."
"Excuse me, ma'am?"
"Sorry - let me explain. I just got out of prison."
"Ma'am? What does that have to do with our survey?"
"Well, I was incarcerated for stalking, killing and dismembering a telemarketer from Sprint a few years ago, and I am NOT allowed to have contact with any more telemarkets. I can fax you a copy of the order if you like. Hello? Are you still there? "

THAT, my friends, is how you get them to stop calling. When I do this at my mother's house, I have to get her in the other room because she laughs so loud she gives it away that I'm kidding.

Or am I ?

Adventure of Princess Puke

2005-03-09T08:10:00.000-05:00

If only I had heeded Furry's advice (which came to me after the fact), to NOT go grocery shopping while queasy/nauseated.

Yesterday morning I got out of work (beginning of storm) and went tanning, went to butcher, then to ghetto-ass grocery store in town. It HAS improved greatly, and resembles a larger store in design and quality. It used to be the place where food went to die. And THAT place is located in Colebrook, NH, which sports the world's scariest grocery store.

As some of you know I have been sick with something like a cold, but have not been able to eat, and it was difficult to even drink. In a nutshell, I have been pukey from mucus, very nauseous, gagging and hacking for over seven days.

So, I walk into Ghetto-Mart, and IMMEDIATELY the produce smell turns my stomach...I adjust and get what I need and wander around..and everything I see is grossing me out...

And then I get to the deli.

I am struggling as it is, but when I spied the ham salad *HORK!* and then some jello-marshmallow creation called 'Pink Surprise'
*SPRACKLE!* and then onto the Capicola, mortadella, and pimento/olive loaf..oh my christ....*BRARGLE-CAKKA-KWEEK!*
I had to haul out of there.

So I am checking out, and who gets behind me in line but Jimmy the Pedophile - total skeezball, late 60's, unkempt, unwashed, a heavy smoker...and he REEKS of rancid ass/garbage/cigarrettes and I wait with gritted teeth until I got outside where I was bent over next to my car trying desperately not to spew and gag all over myself.

I hid in the house for the rest of the day.

What, O What To Do With Pig Lips ????

2005-03-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

Darling friend Furry has just informed she is mailing me pig lips, but NOT the naked porcupine.

What does one DO with pig lips ?

I may open the box from a distance, with a stick.....

What Do You Screw To ?

2005-02-19T00:15:00.000-05:00

Listening to some tunes tonite after work and compiling a list of songs to burn (ex boyfriends ARE good for something) I realized how much music affects me and here is what I have to say about my own collection:

CD's NOT To Have Sex To ~

1. 'Aenima' from Tool. By the fifth track one of you will have killed and eaten the other. *Hint - surprise him during 'H'. He won't see it coming. Or, wait till after the next song, 'The Useful Idiot', just to be a sicko.
2. 'Amnesiac' from Radiohead. You'll have killed yourself before the foreplay is over, or at least by track 4. Pure despondence.
3. Anything by Tori Amos. Because if you happen to be with a man, you will instantly hate him.
4. 'Speakerboxx/The Love Below' from OutKast. Because you will jump outta bed and start groovin' around the house wondering WHY you were having sex in the first place - between Hey Ya and I Like The Way You Move, you'll forget about sex entirely.
5. 'Some Devil' from Dave Matthews. Because if F*CKING SUCKS. Period. Now, I worship Dave like the rest of the world and have everything he ever released, but THIS JUST SUCKS. Sorry Dave.
6. 'A New Day Has Come' By Celine Dion. NO ONE should be gettin' it on to Celine. NO ONE. If you do, you have issues.
7. 'Fever' By Kylie Minogue. See Number 4.
8. Anything by Sarah MacLachlan. She is my hero, but she is strictly chick music and you will be ransacking your cabinets looking for your extra medication and a bottle of wine, weeping and hissing at your boyfriend .

CD's You Should Screw To : (Hey that rhymed)

1. Anything by ambient techno god BT (his last two releases SMOKE)
2. Anything by A Perfect Circle (if you're a rocker). Except their latest CD, eMOTIVe. It's about war and is very sad/reflective. It's mostly cover by John Lennon, Marvin Gaye, Joni Mitchell...'When The Levee Breaks' (Joni) is incredible sung through this guy.
~ APC's first CD, 'Mer de Noms/Sea of Names' is intense, sexy and dark. The second CD, 'The Thirteenth Step' is hypnotic and creates a major bonding experience. A coworker borrowed my copy and I am burning his own copy because he became utterly obsessed with it.

* Maynard James Keenan, lead vocalist for both TOOL and APC has one of the most beautiful male voices I have ever heard - great range from sweet and lilting, to seductive and powerful, to make you want to gnaw through your own limb intense and insane. This is the guy who would have sex while listening to Celine, for the sheer perverseness of it. *I* would listen to Celine if it meant I could do Maynard.

3. 'The Smokin' Nephew' by Baby Bash. I will be the FIRST person to tell you NO RAP MUSIC while boinking. Baby is a Texican and is cute as a friggin' bug. 'Suga Suga' makes me melt and this is a nice hip hop to get your freak on to. Some songs are sexy/dirty which is a great combo.
4. Anything by guitar masters Steve Vai or Joe Satriani. Vai is a freak and he learned it from Satch, so take your pick.

My favorite way to break in a CD is listen at home while doing something else, so I passively absorb it. My Favorite CD's are one I had to listen to two or three times. Just like my closest friends, they are usually not someone I liked right off the bat.

I FOUND JESUS !!!!

2005-01-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

He was hiding behind the sofa the whole time....

20 Random Facts Regarding Me

2005-01-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

1. I am 5'7
2. I used to be blonde. Someday when the pain is not so fresh, I will post WHY I AM NO LONGER BLONDE.
3. I am obsessed with Spongmonkeys. They love tha subs.
4. Nothing offends me/grosses me out/embarrasses me. That most likely came from working with the people that I do.
5. I am obsessed with sharks. I am a sharkophile.
6. I have rats. As in pets, not vermin.
7. I am Pagan/Wiccan. Big surprise there. There is a good dose of Secular Humanism in here too.
8. I am an EMT. Not currently certified at the moment.
9. I have never been married. Holy shit I am a statistic.
10. My last boyfriend is nine years younger than me. In one year I lost 50 pounds. Care to guess how ?
11. My ex will read #10 and send me an email, I am sure.
12. I lost 110 pounds, but after this Christmas, five of the bastards found me again. Is there a Fatness Protection Program ?
13. I hate people who are loud on the phone.
14. Non-words like y'all, whassup, shizzle, .....STOP IT. RIGHT NOW.
15. In defense of Rednecks, *I* have a set of matching Cool Whip salad bowls.
16. I live on the edge and eat raw cookie dough.
17. If I were a lesbian, I have dibs on Jessica Simpson. But she needs to keep her mouth shut.
18. Religous zealots irritate the living shit out of me. Go burn in your OWN hell, you pious pain-in-the-ass.
19. I refuse to drive cars with automatic transmission.
20. I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs. It interferes with my meds.

Weird Shit

2005-01-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the commercial with the little blond girl and the M&M Crunch Bar ? She does this crazy body contortion thing and spins her torso around and it...just..is...plain...WRONG.

2005-01-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

It's a Garlic Press....

Shoe Polish & A Toaster Oven

2005-01-20T15:57:00.000-05:00

What happens when you put a can of shoe polish in the toaster oven ?

It makes a BIG, FLAMING , SMELLY MESS. One of our officer - who shall remain nameless - was going to polish his boots. The black shoe polish apparently caked up a bit and apparently what some people do to re-gel the polish is heat it up.

Notice I said 'heat it up', not 'light on fire'.

'Someone' stuck the tin of polish in the toaster oven and pressed the toast lever, presumably without checking to see if it was set on 'toast' or 'bake'.

While talking to the Lieutentant, Someone noticed a BAD SMELL and walked back into the kitchen area.

FLAMING tin o' polish. So, Someone unplugs the oven and goes to move it, but splashes the napalm-like flaming black shit everywhere and runs outside with it and flings the oven in a snowbank by the door. Still flaming.

And we give him a gun. With real bulletts.

Jenn Put Me Up To This...

2005-01-19T19:53:00.000-05:00

A darling online friend and BRILLIANT comedienne from Boston, Jenn, MADE ME DO THIS. Twisted my lanky 'lil arm. You think *I* have issues ? Visit HER site and check out her posting on stuff, including myself and our friend Furry, who is just as bizarre as myself.

www.dejennerate.com

BARK!

2005-01-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

Sniff sniff sniff......Hello ? I know you're here. Stop F*cking STARING !